Healthy striving vs perfectionism – 5 Ways to let go of the pressure of perfection
“The curse of competence… If you’re good at things and have high standards you assume that you should always do well. Which means that success isn’t a cause for celebration, but it is the minimal level of reasonable performance. Anything less than victory would be a failure, and victory itself becomes nothing more than acceptable.”
– Chris Williamson –
The human spirit never ceases to amaze me. From the moment we are born, and our tiny lungs fill with our first breath of air, we are on the move. We reach out, curiously grasping at everything within reach, and as soon as we possibly can, we’re crawling. Walking. Then running.
And we don’t stop.
The seasons of life may shift and parts of who we are change, but the dreaming, hoping, and striving for the best of everything life has to offer remains constant. Whether it’s a relationship, promotion, lifestyle, or personal goal – we can become obsessed with everything we want to accomplish.
We want it all. All the peace. All the healing. All the financial security, beauty, and fun. And a tidy, flawlessly decorated home... And six-pack abs. (Because, why not?)
While chasing down our highest potential can be a positive thing, there is a breaking point.
Perfectionism is like a never-ending marathon where the finish line keeps getting pushed back. Behind every accomplishment is a newer, bigger, and ‘better’ goal. Yet for all the striving, the idealized future version of us with the immaculately curated life never fully materializes. Elusive and flawless, the dream of perfection keeps us exhausted and running.
Why?
When did the pursuit of self-improvement turn into an all-out mad dash toward perfection? When did we stop being content with good enough and make flawless the only acceptable standard?
Healthy striving vs perfectionism
What is perfectionism?
Perfection is not the sum or result of our achievements. Neither is it the completion of a checklist. Perfection is an ever-shifting target. In psychology, perfectionism is identified as a personality trait characterized by overly fixating on achieving flawlessness.
Symptoms of perfectionism
Individuals with perfectionism often set impossibly high standards and tend to be highly critical of themselves and maybe even others. In the mind of someone with perfectionism, there is no difference between perfect and acceptable. If it’s not perfect, it’s not acceptable.
Someone with perfectionism will have extremely high goals, which can be overwhelming. The weight of accomplishing a goal to perfection often causes fear of failure or making a mistake – which often leads to procrastination, avoidance, and then to anxiety. And when the outcome of a circumstance or the effort applied doesn’t match the dream expectation, the intense disappointment can lead to severe depression.
Why do we crave perfection?
Perfection has a powerful allure. We all have an innate longing for safety, acceptance, beauty, and belonging, and perfection seems to offer security in those areas. Many of us believe that if we were just more perfect then we would be more acceptable, and if we were more acceptable, then we’d be more loved.
This thought process is often rooted in our adolescent self – the part of us that had to conform and/or perform in order to be included, accepted, and loved. In many ways, perfectionism is a lingering survival instinct from this younger, wounded part of ourselves. Our inner adolescent needs to be reassured, accepted, and loved not despite their imperfections, but because of them.
What we lose by chasing perfection
The hidden cost of perfection
1.) Our Authentic Self
No one is perfect. Everyone has problems and wounds and a messy corner of their home. Perfection is not achievable, but authenticity is. When we turn our attention away from perfection and attend to our truest self – wounded parts and all – we find the authentic acceptance, beauty, and belonging we’ve always wanted. However, when we strive for perfectionism, our authenticity takes a backseat and we end up feeling more disconnected from ourselves, our true purpose, and our relationships.
2.) Joy
Perfectionism doesn’t just see the world as it could be. Perfectionism sees the world as it should be, which is never good enough. When ‘never good enough’ becomes a constant thought, our ability to experience contentment shatters. We think nothing is good enough, because everything is flawed. And instead of seeing the beauty in imperfections and finding joy in the natural shape of our reality, we become disappointed and resentful.
3.) Inner Peace
It’s normal to want to have everything figured out and sorted out, but striving can never generate the perfect peace we crave. None of us have everything figured out. We’re born into a flawed, imperfect world as flawed, imperfect human beings. I often wonder if our imperfections are a feature – a unique function that allows us to connect with each other and experience the deep bond of our shared humanity in a personal way. And while I personally don’t think our imperfections are flaws, focusing on them can disrupt our inherent sense of inner peace.
How to seek excellence without burning out
5 Ways to let go of the pressure of perfection
1.) Define ‘good enough.’
Obviously, we don’t want to over-correct perfectionism and become apathetic. It’s good to be ambitious and pursue ‘better.’ There is nothing wrong with trying to improve our world and the way we show up in it. But let’s define good enough, and let’s acknowledge that good enough is different than ‘doing the best you can.’ Like perfection, the ‘best you can do’ is an ever-moving target, because there’s always room for improvement. Only you can define what ‘good enough’ looks like, but recognizing that ‘good enough’ does not mean perfect, is a great starting point.
“By definition, love made you better than good enough; it redefined perfection to include your traits, instead of excluding them.”
– Jodi Picoult –
2.) Celebrate progress instead of achievements.
Have you improved in the last year? If there was any growth at all, let that growth be ‘good enough.’ Don’t wait until the pie-in-the-sky ideal scenario has happened to celebrate. Celebrate how far you’ve come today, and if that requires giving yourself some grace and compassion, do so. You have overcome so much to get to this moment, and that’s worth celebrating.
3.) Practice gratitude.
If perfection were a poison, gratitude may be the antidote. Perfectionism fuels discontent, but gratitude has the power to balance nearly every situation. When perfection screams, ‘this isn’t good enough,’ gratitude will calmly point out that it is and remind you to trust in divine timing.
4.) Embrace self-acceptance.
When we release the demands of perfection, we are free to embrace our truest self – flaws and all. The fact is no one is perfect. Not me, not you, and neither is anyone on social media. There is also no perfect situation, job, or relationship. That’s okay. Flawed-imperfect-mid-transformation-you is still worthy of love and acceptance.
5.) Don’t defer your joy.
Perfectionism steals our joy by deferring it. Each of us carries around something heavy in our hearts, and somewhere along the way, we decide that achieving our perfect ideals will make the messy hurt go away. We think, “Once _____ happens, then I’ll be happy.” But we’ll never be happy if we are waiting for when life suits us just right. True joy is found in the harmony we experience when we feel connected to each other, to nature, and to our highest purpose.
Summary – Overcoming perfectionism
Perfectionism can be crippling. It’s like chasing the wind. The moment you trap a breeze inside a box, it disappears. We can’t catch perfection, but we can find balance. When we embrace the imperfect version of who we are today and take ownership of the flawed lives we live, that’s when true transformation can happen.
If you’re struggling to cope with the heavy weight of perfectionism, hope and help are available whenever you’re ready. Please contact me to learn more about my therapy and coaching service offerings. I’d love to hear from you.
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Hi there! I’m Jenny, a licensed Holistic Therapist (LISW-CP) and Certified Adult Chair® Master Coach.
I combine both therapy and coaching methodologies to provide my clients with a holistic perspective and the techniques they need to flourish. Rediscovering who you were always meant to be is an act of courage, and radical self-love can turn unconscious paralysis into conscious, authentic growth. Learn more about me here.