Do the work! Expectations vs Reality - 6 Myths about ‘the work’
Healing can be messy.
‘Doing the work’ is hard.
Therapy/Coaching can be emotionally draining.
These are true statements, but friends, we need to talk. There are way too many myths and half-truths circulating about therapy and coaching and not enough clarity around what it means to ‘do the work.’ As a Licensed Therapist (LISW-CP), Certified Adult Chair Master Life Coach, and also someone who has personally participated in therapy and coaching, I want to dispel some of these myths and answer common questions about what it really means to ‘do the work.’
Before we dive in, I first need to let you know that therapy and coaching are two different services. While there is some overlap, and you can certainly ‘do the work’ in either therapy or coaching, therapists and coaches each have their own toolbox of methodologies and techniques. To learn more, please read my other blog: Therapy vs Coaching – What’s the difference and which one do I need?
With that said, let’s begin…
Myth #1: Talking to a therapist or coach is like talking to a friend.
Mmm… Sort of, but not really. Talking to a friend can certainly be beneficial to our mental health, however, talking to a therapist or coach is much different than blowing off steam with a friend. For one thing, therapy and coaching sessions are 100% confidential, the focus is 100% on you, and there are zero expectations for reciprocity. While a friend may give you good, personal advice, therapists and coaches use a combination of personalized, evidence-based techniques and approaches to help you find your own answers. Additionally, friends can be biased, but the insights from a good therapist or coach will be more objective and theoretically informed.
Myth #2: Coaching and Therapy is for gaining self-awareness.
Well… gaining self-awareness a huge part of the process, but gaining self-awareness is certainly not the only reason to participate in therapy or coaching. The real ‘work’ is in how we use that self-awareness to make lasting changes – in our own lives and in our relationships. Trust me… You will gain so much more than self-awareness from ‘doing the work.’ Yes, you will establish and learn to integrate a healthy degree of self-awareness, but you’ll also learn how to face and process tough emotions in a healthy way. You’ll discover coping techniques, develop healthy relational skills, cultivate true, authentic courage, and learn so much about yourself and your values.
Myth #3: You will experience breakthroughs in every session.
To be honest, if you stick with therapy or coaching, and if you commit to soul-searching, you can count on experiencing at least a few breakthroughs. However, you probably will not experience a major breakthrough in every single session. Therapy and coaching are not quick fixes. The ‘work’ takes time and energy, because the ‘work’ requires application and integration. When you apply the in-session ‘work’ to your everyday life, that’s when the real breakthroughs happen.
Myth #4: Any therapist or coach can help you.
That would be awesome, but unfortunately, this is a myth. It is completely normal to ‘shop around’ and try different therapists or coaches before you find a good fit. If a therapist or coach offers a free consultation, that is an excellent opportunity to gauge fit.
How to tell if a therapist or coach is a good fit for you?
Signs of a good therapist or coach:
They respect your identity and experiences. You feel seen and heard.
They don’t tell you what to do or how to think. They help you find your own answers.
They have and communicate clear boundaries and policies. There are not ambiguities.
They adjust their approach per your feedback.
You may feel uncomfortable, but you never feel judged or unsafe.
They have other clients who are similar to you.
You ‘click’ with them.
Myth #5: Therapy is a last resort. If all else fails, try therapy.
Ugh… this myth hurts. While it is true that therapy or coaching can help at any point, hitting rock bottom is not a prerequisite. The therapeutic and coaching process can accomplish some of its best work before a crisis hits, because the clarity gained in sessions can stop things from escalating out of control. Therapy or coaching is not just for people with severe mental health and difficulties, and prevention or mental health maintenance are good, valid reasons to seek services.
Myth #6: Therapy/coaching is for having a safe place to vent.
Not really. Venting can and does occur in sessions, but venting is not typically the focus. Therapists and coaches are trained to help guide clients through a variety of healthy ways to release pent up anger and frustration. Ultimately, therapy and coaching are for having a safe place – not necessarily to vent – but to explore what ‘doing the work’ looks like for you.
Which nicely leads us to the big question…
What does it mean to do the work?
We cannot process or heal what we don’t acknowledge. ‘Doing the work’ simply means to acknowledge that which needs to be processed or healed, and then to do just that: process and heal.
There is no one, best way to do the work, and doing the work looks different for everyone because ‘doing the work’ is a deeply personal process. Depending on your experiences, personality, and areas of interest, you may prefer to ‘do the work’ with a coach instead of a therapist – or vice versa. Or maybe both! However you choose to ‘do the work,’ a good therapist or coach won’t ever tell you how to do the work. Instead, they will help you discover the work needing to be done and then will help you accomplish whatever the work is in a healthy and meaningful way.
Expectations vs. reality
There likely won’t be as many big, in-session breakthroughs and crying as you’re imagining. I mean, yes, sometimes there is crying, but we also laugh – more than you might think! And yes, you may feel a bit awkward or slightly uncomfortable at your first session, but the therapist/coach isn’t the only expert in the room. YOU are the expert of your own experiences, and a good therapist or coach will be completely ok with you correcting them, clarifying something, or letting them know if a particular technique just isn’t working for you.
Sometimes you might feel like there’s nothing to talk about, and then something really important will be said five minutes before your session ends. There will be occasional epiphanies and aha moments, and if you push through the discomfort and allow your therapist or coach to gently call you out, you will learn new, useful coping skills and discover parts of yourself you never knew existed.
From Chaos to Clarity
Therapy and coaching are not magical wands, but therapy and coaching can absolutely help you heal, grow, and thrive. Psychology and self-improvement are well-researched fields, and the tools and methodologies therapists and coaches use are part of what makes ‘doing the work’ so effective. If you are still wondering what ‘doing the work’ means for you, please contact me. I’d love to help you soul-search and discover the highest, truest, healthiest version of YOU.
Let’s Connect
Hi there! I’m Jenny, a licensed therapist and Certified Adult Chair® Master Coach. I combine both therapy and coaching methodologies to provide my clients with a holistic perspective and the techniques they need to flourish. Rediscovering who you were always meant to be is an act of courage, and radical self- love can turn unconscious paralysis into conscious growth. Learn more about me here.